Why do husbands and wives have such difficulty getting on? isn’t life challenging enough that we could just stop and fix the marriage and save the family from disaster. Look how bad it’s got, I’m here on the internet searching for a way to save my marriage from the chaos that has become daily life.
If you’re thinking thoughts like this, you might want to read on as we will discover some ways that you could work on real solutions to fixing married life insha’Allah.
So how Can I fix my marriage and save my family from falling apart?
Have you ever wondered what it feel like when your family is tearing itself apart, the people you love the most or want to, seem to really get under your skin. Husband or wife fighting with each other becomes the biggest challenge in family life. How could he / she be so inconsiderate? why does it feel like they don’t support me or have my back? no more intimacy because we just can’t go from the ‘Cold Stare of death’ to loving moments of those ‘unfunny jokes’ that you find funny. It’s difficult to break out of that harsh mode of thinking and into the happy loving thoughts of ‘you complete me’.
Just to be frank with you sisters, men don’t think that way 😊, that’s a women thing. Of course, men absolutely adore their wives, but they show it in different ways and women often don’t realise it. Men and women are like the sun and the moon and I’ll leave it to you to decide who that ‘fiery red hot and burning sun’ is, and who’s ‘the cool, calm and serene moon that lights up the life of this world’.
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You see that’s such a perfect metaphor for men and women. One is the sun and the other is the moon. The difficult question is who is the sun and moon in your household because invariably it’s different in every household.
You might be thinking oh well, ‘that red hot sun, so fiery one minute, lighting up my life with warmth and love and then all of a sudden, the sparks start flying and the temperature just heats up, and before you know it that fiery anger just comes out of nowhere, all of that sounds just like my spouse’.
On the other hand, you might be thinking ‘my spouse is the moon, so calm and thoughtful. Things are always in order because of them. The atmosphere is nice, no temper tantrums, no rash behaviour, and I can really rely on that kind of behaviour. It’s like all the beauty and calm in my marriage and family life comes from that. Why can’t I be like that? what is wrong with me?
I feel like I’m the sun, one minute warm and loving, and then all of sudden they spark me off and I’m that red hot sun, just waiting to explode and let my rage out’.
I try so hard be Connected to Allah but…
I try to be so connected to Allah, I try my best to pray and do good to others but for some reason life just always gets in the way and bang I’m in the middle of a storm, and it’s all getting out of control, husband and wife both unhappy, kids can’t handle the atmospheres, and the general mood in the house is either fireworks or the silence of a graveyard. It such drama or nothing at all.
So here’s the question, do we have to be like the sun or the moon or could we be the best of both?
That’s a struggle that couples are having and the truth is you might not be so humorous when thinking about this subject, because for you it’s unbearable and I get it. No one wants to be that burning sun, or even the one that gets burnt by the temper tantrums.
But last thing I want is for you to read this and get all worked up because it’s reminding you of your problems.
So how do we deal with it?
If you’re the one with the anger issues, experiencing the flying emotions going all over the place..
That you’re just losing control of from time to time, then the first thing to help your marriage is to just acknowledge it.
It’s so important because if you don’t even know it’s happening and you’re the one who has the issue, then you’ll always blame the other for causing the problem. You’ll always think someone or something is causing you to lose control.
But here’s the thing you are in control of yourself, even though at times it doesn’t feel like it.
You absolutely have control of yourself, no one else can have that control except you and Allah. Others may say or do things that really tick you off, but that doesn’t give them the power to actually cause you to react.
The reactions are internal, within your own mind. You interpret everything that comes into your mind, and you have the power to stop that interpretation and change it or just let it go. Truth is letting go is the easiest way.
Let me give you a quick and easy way to do that.
When something or someone is annoying you, your feelings about that maybe anger, sadness, frustration or whatever you feel will be the affect of what you are focusing on. Imagine for a second that in the middle of that situation, you suddenly get distracted by something beautiful, wonderful and funny, you might even feel the urge to laugh or smile, and at the same time your mind is going back to that anger.
Ask yourself, do you ever remember a time when you where angry, then all of a sudden something happened or you thought about something you felt was funny, then you laughed, and then found yourself between wanting to laugh and wanting to be angry. It’s happened to all of us at some point.
All of a sudden you are stuck between laughter and anger. You struggle to decide which one to be or do. I want to laugh but I’m angry, which way do I go?
So, you might laugh and its all over and you just get on with things. Or you might decide to be stubborn because you feel wronged and you stay angry, but it’s a lighter form of anger where you just move on without losing it like you might have done if you didn’t get distracted with that funny thought.
What Actually Happened in this situation?
You see what is happening here is that you are between two states of mind, ANGER and CHILL OUT mode. Lose it VS have a laugh. In that moment you decide which one you want and you can move into laughter and chilled out frame of mind and let the anger pass. Or alternatively you can choose to stay with anger and let the window of opportunity pass.
Either way you have a choice of what you want to focus on. Whatever you decide to focus on, those thoughts that fuel your anger, or the ones that calm you down, then you will feel what you focus on and it will become your state of mind.
Changing your state of mind is as simple as focusing on the what you want. You don’t have to be angry and you don’t have to lose control. Losing control is a myth, it’s just what people say to describe rage or uncontrolled anger. You do have control of your own mind, and you can control how you behave by choosing what you focus on.
The prophet (Saw) told us that if we find ourselves in a state of anger, we should change our state by physically changing the things we are doing. In the hadeeth we are told to sit down if we are standing, and recline on your back if you are sitting. The physical change of state is to take away the position of confrontation, and put yourself into a physical position of relaxation.
The change of physical state, needs to be followed by the change of mental state. So if you’re angry get into relaxed thinking, distract your thoughts and focus on something else.
Changing your state of mind or what you focus on in any one moment is always down to you. No one can force you to think or feel something you don’t want to. You have the power of mind to change that. It’s what you might call emotional resilience or emotional power. You have them both.
Whether you are the one who has to endure the emotional roller coaster of a family member, or you are the one causing the emotions, you have the power of focus and choice. If you tell yourself you can’t do anything and that you don’t have any control, then will be your challenge. By saying this to yourself, you talk yourself out of your God given ability of choice and focus.
No one can control your mind except you. Others will only have that power if you give it to them.
Family fun and laughter
This is key to having a nice and enjoyable family life. If you or your spouse are not able to let go of what has happened, you’ll find it very difficult to stop and just enjoy each other. You, your husband or wife and your children will all be affected by that poor choice.
Having fun and laughter in your lives can be simply to let each other be. Don’t be so strict about everyone else living up to your expectations. Expectations and rules we make up cause us such problems, and at times become the self-imposed prisons denying us of fun and leaving us with a life of seriousness.
Fun is important, the Prophet (Saw) used to race with his wife Aisha (RA). He used to smile a lot and laugh till his molar teeth could be seen. Maybe he didn’t laugh out loud so that everyone could hear him, but He (saw) had fun with his family.
Find a way to just let go and have fun with your family. Don’t be so serious and impose your seriousness on everyone else. It’s so boring, it takes the life out of a nice day.
If you’re feeling bad right now, don’t. Just let go and enjoy a moment of freedom from expectations and seriousness. Think about all of the beautiful things Allah has blessed you with in your life.
Don’t take anything for granted and think of the funny innocent things that you’ve experienced in your life, whenever it was. Just revel in that thought and take a few moments to enjoy those memories. When you are in that light hearted state of mind, speak to your husband or wife from that place of joy, insha’Allah it will be so different.
You can live from a place of happiness, it’s a choice.
May Allah swt bless you with moments of beauty, fun and happiness.
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